no cyborg of roboincubator born shall harm space macbeth
so as a kid i used to play a lot of these online games. but they were all text-based, because we didn’t have a good computer and we only had dial-up internet. so basically you’d log on to this game and create a character and then play as them, and go on adventures and fight other players and things like that. they were called MUDs, multi user dungeons, and they kind of died out when games like world of warcraft with actual graphics started getting big, because as it turns out most people seem to prefer video games that show you what’s happening in whatever weird fantasy world they’re depicting rather than just tell you about them through text.
but yeah, i played a lot of these games. and actually i think i probably met other trans women for the first time through them? this was totally before i really had any awareness that trans people were a thing, much less that i might be one of them. i just knew that i felt all fucked up and that most people treated me badly and that online i could inhabit another body. and no, i actually never played a woman, my characters were always boys but like, these boys that sort of represented some of my issues at the time i guess? like they were always these really capable warriors but also really vulnerable and kind of effeminate in a way that just seemed really natural to me.
i made a lot of friends, found myself in these communities of people who played on the same server for months and years. and i definitely remember being told to stay away from some women characters because they were like quote really men or whatever. at the time i didn’t really understand what people were trying to tell me but i think those players were probably trans women? and it’s neat to realize i had those early connections but i also feel kind of sad and like i wish i could have spoken to them outside of the game, because maybe i would have recognized myself in them or whatever. but anyway.
so my characters would always get into these situations where like, they’d be really outmatched in battles and basically just get the shit kicked out of them by other players. but the narrative in game was set up so that there was always some kind of magic available to heal injured characters, so i just got into this cycle that i didn’t even realize was a pattern at the time, of getting into these elaborate roleplayed conflicts where i and other players would basically narrate my character getting beaten up and then eventually rescued or carried to safety and tended to or whatever. like, outright sex was basically banned and things were never even framed in a kink context but i think that’s actually the first place i started to explore some of my desires?
and looking back in some cases it’s like, so fucking obvious, like how did it take you so many years afterwards to finally deal with this stuff? like for instance i remember my character falling under the sway of this powerful witch lady and having her carve her sigil into his chest with her nails to like, mark her dominion over him. i mean fuck, that’s the kind of thing i get off on now. and i didn’t think of it that way back then, but those images already appealed to me in a way i didn’t totally understand. so kid me was kind of actually pretty ahead of the game in a lot of ways even if not in obvious like, “i am a girl and need to do these things to change my body” sense.
also it was a dragon ball z MUD.
i met with my new gp yesterday and we talked a little about how i’m looking to get vaginoplasty and i feel like he was a little confused by how blasé i must have seemed about the whole thing. like, he asked me at one point about whether i still got hard or not, saying that it was one metric they used to determine whether people were on the right hormone dose and i was like um, yes? is that bad or? and he was like well some for some people that’s very alarming and they don’t want it to happen. i kind of shrugged and said something about how that’s what i’ve got right now and it’s basically okay and i hope he doesn’t take that as a sign that i’m not really serious about surgery.
because like, i am pretty into the idea of having a cunt! but i feel like whenever i have to talk about it i’m just like yeah, uh, i guess not having to wear a bunch of layers to hide my junk would be pretty nice or whatever. like, i’m not displaying the appropriate level of need? and i’ve been pretty lucky so far in my interactions with medical gatekeepers, in that i haven’t felt like i’ve needed to lie or embellish my accounts or anything but i’m wondering whether i should work on, just in case, as i try and move forward with surgery stuff.
i never liked my name. like, even pre- any kind of awareness of any kind of gender stuff, it felt ugly, awkward, wrong. so when i finally did get around to dealing with all my fucked-up gender feelings, i was like yes, finally! an excuse to change my awful name! i am not super psyched about all the horrible stuff that comes with transitioning, but not having to see that name anymore: totally worth it.
at the time i was really invested in capital G genderqueer, smashing the binary kind of stuff. so i went online to some baby name sites and started looking for gender-neutral names. let me tell you something about those names: they are either super normal (alex) or weird as shit (kayden?).
after days of searching i had narrowed things down to two candidates: merritt, of course, and — wait for it — quinn. they both sounded pretty good at the time, if you can believe it, so i did whatever i do when i can’t make a decision: i asked the internet and got a bunch of replies back like “doctor quinn, medicine woman?” and “you mean like that cheerleader from glee?” so that pretty much settled things for me.
merritt means “boundary gate”, which seemed important at the time, that image of straddling boundaries. now i mostly like just being the only person in the room with my name, unless i ever happen to run into merritt wever, in which case we’ll probably have to fight over it and i don’t know much about her but i think my odds are pretty good?
not queer as in fuck you but gay as in leave me alone
i get that “femme” is important to a lot of women i know including a lot of trans women, and it was really important to me for a while too but lately i just feel like, idk, it feels kind of irrelevant to my life? i guess i am descriptively femme but the word conjures up so much stuff that feels so distant from my experience and seems to come with so much baggage that it just isn’t something i feel strongly attached to anymore.
i guess there is probably an argument to be made about how femmeness shouldn’t be ceded to white cis women and i’m glad there are all kinds of folx who are claiming it in the face of that dominant image but for myself i honestly just don’t have it in me to care right now. i guess my gender presentation has evolved into “wants to go about my day without people hassling me”
a thing about me is that i actually like hanging out with straight dudes when i just wanna get drunk and not have to carry a conversation. i mean, dudes’ tendency to talk over women is usually obnoxious but sometimes you just wanna zone out to some white noise you know? the problem is that even just letting a dude talk in yr presence can sometimes make them think you wanna fuck them. and it’s like dude, i don’t wanna fuck you i just wanna drink a bunch of beers and listen to you talk about yr novel or album or w/e
in the same way that one wants to listen to waves at the beach but doesn’t want to fuck the ocean